Thoughts and Discoveries

I have had a lot of time to think this week. All my finals were done on Monday so after that it has just been lots of time to unwind and relax. I thought this would give me plenty of time to get all of my stuff packed to get ready to move. This is what I THOUGHT. Instead, it is now almost Friday. Karl gets here on Saturday, and I have pretty much nothing done.

I THOUGHT I was super excited to move to Oregon, and I am. I am excited to live with Karl again. To be able to see him and talk to him with out getting a huge stitch in my neck. I am super excited for that part. But I discovered that I am not super excited to actually move to a different state where I don't know anyone. Where I don't have family close. Where I don't have friends that I can go visit and hang out with.

I thought I didn't want to pack my room because it was a big job. I think I discovered the real reason is if I don't pack I can't move. I can't just leave all my stuff, even though most will probably get left behind since we don't have tons of room in the car. :) If I don't get everything cleaned and packed up it isn't real. It isn't really going to happen and Karl can just stay here with me in my comfort zone. Stupid reasoning I know, but that is where I am right now.

I thought I was ready to be a mom. I discovered I am terrified. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to be a parent. Especially when I am at least 13 hours away from the closest person I know who can help me figure it out. I don't feel like I have a clue. I don't know what I should be doing to get ready, what things I need, what I need to learn. It just scares me but I guess there is no going back. And I don't want to. At all. I just wish I felt more confident in my abilities but I will figure it out, eventually.

I thought I was really excited to be done with school. And I am. But I have discovered that I wish there was a way for me to be in Oregon and still in my same nursing class continuing on in the program. I made a lot of friends. And it makes me really sad to think I will probably never see any of them again. That I won't get weekly updates on how everyone's lives are going.

I thought I like the movie "Christmas in Connecticut". It is an old black and white movie that my sister and I used to watch every Christmas Eve. I discovered I still love it. It just makes me laugh and brings back old memories. I had to have at least one discovery that didn't make me cry (hormonal pregnant woman here).

So those are my thoughts at the moment. I am really nervous for what the future holds but I have discovered that despite all that I am really excited to start this next chapter of my life. And as long as I have Karl with me I know we can handle what comes our way and figure it out.

As updates go, I get to go to the Dr. tomorrow to make sure everything is fine with the baby. I am pretty sure it is still alive. I either felt it moving like crazy this morning or I have the twitchiest abdominal muscles in the history of mankind. Karl flies in on Saturday. Sunday is my last day in Sunbeams. And we get to find out if it is a boy or girl on Monday. Kind of a busy weekend, but it is going to be great.